I have decided to call my car 'Job'.

"davedave1111" (davedave1111) 08/08/2013 at 18:14 • Filed to: Job, E30

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Here's a tale of conspiring circumstances and a confederacy of dunces.

Buying a car is one of those things in life that you can do the easy way or the hard way, and although the easy way may be an unrestricted autobahn to delight, the Jalop will more often than not find themself picking a path through the potholes and roadworks of the hard way. Trolling ebay for months at a time, waiting for the right car, bidding, missing out, coming back for more. Picking something up, tuning it up, practically packing it all in, finally fixing it. Driving.

In my case, I started off with a fairly narrow idea of what I was looking for - and as the months passed, it widened, and widened, and widened, until in the end I was looking at totally unsuitable cars hundreds of miles away that were too expensive and the wrong year. Finally, last Tuesday evening, I ran across a BMW E30 manual sedan with reasonable mileage and an !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! , within about three miles of where I live. Not perfect, but close enough. I put in a cheeky low bid, and watched in astonishment as I won a running, road-legal E30 for £300. I wondered what horrors were hidden in some pretty clean looking pictures.

This is roughly the point where things started to corkscrew. It was Tuesday evening, and I was going away for the weekend on Friday afternoon - and had half a hope of taking the BMW. I couldn't do Wednesday when the seller could, and the seller couldn't do Thursday at all. We arranged something for Friday.

Friday morning, I got a call from the seller, telling me he'd started it up and taken it for a very short drive to make sure everything was working OK for the evening, only for it to piss the power-steering fluid all over the road. Oh, and also he couldn't make it that evening, but thanks to his long-suffering mum I could have a look at the car and the damage. Fair enough, he seems a nice enough guy, and clearly isn't engaged in any kind of rip-off.

Astonishingly, the bodywork is every bit as clean as in the pictures, and there's not so much as a spot of real rust anywhere on the body or chassis - a couple of minor paint defects is about the lot. The engine's strong, and everything works as it should, including things like the power windows and mirrors. There are a couple of small faults - the driver's door lock barrel is broken, a seat is torn, a sidelight bulb blown - but basically nothing at all. Oh, and the major power steering leak, of course. When I looked I couldn't see too much, but I'm pretty sure it's a split hose and nothing more serious. Hoses are cheap enough.

The whole weekend I was off at the beach, so nothing happened, but we arranged to meet on Monday evening and finalise everything. I got slightly sunburned and !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! .

On Monday, we finally managed to get me, the seller, and the car in the same place at the same time. The paperwork, no. He left the MOT certificate at work. If he hadn't been transparently honest, clearly not the scheming sort, and selling me a car off his parents' driveway, I might have worried at that point. I wouldn't have been able to drive off in the car right then anyway, because it needed a tax disc purchased to be road-legal. Since he'd forgotten the MOT certificate, which you need to get a tax disc in this country, he offered to buy the tax disc himself and let me reimburse him. I jumped at the chance, since you also need an insurance certificate on the car to buy tax, so I wouldn't have to faff around after buying the car, first getting insurance, then a tax disc.

We also talked about the price, because of the steering leak. Scrap value is £250, and because I'm pretty sure he could have put it back on ebay and got more than £300 any other time, I was happy enough to agree a £25 discount - so the whole car cost me £275.

Tuesday, turned out he hadn't known about needing an insurance certificate and couldn't get the tax disc. So far it's been all snakes and no ladders. Now the snakes get longer.

Wednesday, I decided to bite the bullet, and pay for car insurance on a car I didn't yet own - so I could take the insurance cert with me, pay for the car, get the paperwork, go to the one Post Office open late, get the tax disc, go back to the car, and finally drive it home. The insurance company's website advertised 'print your documents immediately'. Turned out they meant 'once we email them to you'. I still don't have them. Their phone monkeys claimed you don't need them to get a tax disc. You do.

Today, I was pretty fed up. Still no sign of the insurance certificate. I started photoshopping an old one - don't look at me like that, I am actually covered, just no paperwork yet - so I could get the tax disc. While I was doing it, someone pointed out that I could get the tax online - and although I might get a small fine for not displaying a tax disc, the chances were absolutely zero (compared to the certainty of getting fined for driving an untaxed vehicle up my road). Great idea, I thought.

I went online, to the DVLA website, and texted the seller to get the reference number I needed. He sent something back. The wrong number. Tried again. He sent the right number. I put it into the site: "DVLA online services are currently unavailable due to scheduled maintenance". There is now a new dent in my wall.

'Fuck the bastard bureaucrats' became my new watchword. The photoshopping was begun again with renewed vigor. Complete, I attempted to print it. The pissing printer was out of goddamned cunting paper. The one Post Office open late was closing soon. I ran to the nearest shop to buy paper, where three teenage girls were in front of me in the queue, counting out coppers to pay for something inane.

As time fled faster than a Top Gear presenter's youth, and any chance of making the Post Office with all the documents in my hand receded like a Clarksonian hairline, I gave up the last remaining semblance of legality. Yes folks, I drove that car home untaxed. As long as I get the tax disc tomorrow, it ought not to show up on the DVLA computer - and even if it does, I'll say it was the seller, and the seller will say it was me, and if anyone can sort that mess out they're welcome to the money.

I do, though, finally have a BMW sitting on my driveway awaiting fettling. Let the rejoicing commence and the joy be unconfined, and all shall sing hosannas.

MonkeePuzzle > davedave1111 08/08/2013 at 20:55

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hrm, so, starting to sound like a true Top Gear cheap car challenge, your co-presenters may be leaving you on the side of the road soon enough. Hope your 250 car is worth it! Looking forward to a report once its out and about :D

more pics :D

davedave1111 > MonkeePuzzle 08/08/2013 at 21:39

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I was hoping to buy it in time for Friday to take it on holiday in convoy, so if it broke down there'd be some support. Ironically, the car we ended up going in instead was a friend's crappy old Yaris, which broke down on the way despite having just come back from the mechanic.

It was dark(ish) once I got Job home, so the only pics I have are from the ebay auction. I'll try and take pics of the work I do. Refreshing most of the fluids seems like a good plan to start with, but I suspect there will be more snakes than ladders along the way. Still, a big ladder was getting any car in this condition for that price, let alone a nearly-classic BMW.

Hard to tell with the power steering out, but also feels like the suspension bushings have never been replaced. That's a big job, but it'll make a huge difference. Gearshift is a bit mushy, so bushings again there, I guess.

Needs at least two new tyres, but better with four. There's a place down the road that does secondhand tyres, so if they have some good, not-too-worn tyres I may be able to save a bit. Otherwise, rubber on all four corners will set me back about as much as the car itself.

There's the power-steering hose as well, of course - here's hoping it really is that - but I haven't found anything else that needs doing, yet. I'm gobsmacked that there's nothing terminal wrong with a £275 BMW, let alone nothing serious.

ZimFreak > davedave1111 08/12/2013 at 13:19

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Excellent write up and very entertaining to read. I'm looking forward to more from you.